Stop Doing These 15 Things on Dates
If you’ve ever left a date overthinking everything you said, replaying the tiniest moments, or wondering why you didn’t feel like your best self—this post is for you.
Modern dating can make women feel anxious, like we have to perform, or be overly accommodating.
Read on to learn what to stop doing on dates so you can feel calm, feminine, and confident without games, without forcing chemistry, and without abandoning your standards.
Table of contents
The energy shift that changes everything
Stop doing these 15 things on dates
A simple “date reset” checklist
Real-world scripts you can use
FAQ
The energy shift that changes everything
We can put so much pressure on ourselves in dating, especially first dates. “Will he like me? Will we find things to talk about? Am I going to make a fool of myself?” But it’s important to see dating as an opportunity to meet someone new and to learn something about them. Sometimes you’ll see them again. Sometimes you won’t. It’s not life or death. Just take it easy.
And here is something else to consider. Don’t get hung up on whether or not he likes you. The date is an opportunity to see if you like him.
Your only job is to show up as yourself and be open. That’s what makes you magnetic.
More in Elegant Dating
Stop doing these 15 things on dates
1) Stop over-explaining yourself
Over-explaining usually comes from trying to be understood perfectly or insecurity.
You only need to speak clearly. Forget a full-on explanation.
Do instead: State your opinion. Then pause. That’s it. You don’t have to explain why you feel a certain way about something.
2) Stop interviewing him
Rapid-fire questions can feel like a job interview and this happens a lot on dates because we’re trying to learn about the other person.
Do instead: Ask fewer questions, but more follow-ups. This allows for a deeper conversation.
Try: “That’s interesting. What made you choose that?”
3) Stop talking about your past relationships
Even if you recently broke up and it is still fresh in your mind, talking about an ex can hijack the tone of the date. And never, ever talk about all the terrible things your exes did to you. In your dates’ eyes, it will make you come across as someone who doesn’t value herself and accepts poor behavior.
Do instead: Keep it brief and neutral if he brings it up, then pivot.
Script: “It was a meaningful chapter, and I learned a lot. I’m happy to be here now. Tell me what you’ve been into lately.”
4) Stop trying to be “low maintenance”
Being easygoing is lovely. Erasing your needs is not. I used to think that having needs made me a needy person. But being needy (excessively dependent on others for emotional support or attention) is very different from having needs and clearly and calmly communicating them. Having needs makes us human.
Do instead: Ask for what you want with warmth.
Try: “I’d love to sit somewhere quieter. Can we grab that corner table?”
5) Stop joking at your own expense
Self-deprecating humor can read as low self-regard, even if you’re funny.
Do instead: Let your confidence be quiet.
Try: “I’m proud of that, actually.”
6) Stop oversharing
Depth is powerful, but timing matters. Intimacy needs to be created slowly over time. And by only sharing a little of us at a time, it also creates a sense of mystery. Your date will want to know more about you.
Do instead: Share fun things about yourself (hobbies, travel, goals) and keep the deeper stuff for when you’re regularly dating someone. Leave your most tender stories for when the person has earned your trust.
7) Stop filling every silence
We often view silences in conversations to mean that we are boring or that we have nothing in common with the other person. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Conversational silences are natural and nothing to panic about.
Do instead: Let pauses happen. Take a sip of water. Smile. Make eye contact.
Calm is attractive.
8) Stop checking your phone
It breaks the connection and subtly signals you’d rather be elsewhere.
Do instead: Put your phone away. If you truly must check, do it once and perhaps when you go to the bathroom.
9) Stop drinking too much
If you drink, you should know what your limit is and never go beyond it. Not only can it make you do or act in ways you normally wouldn’t but it is also a safety concern.
Do instead: Decide your limit before you arrive and stick to it. Alternatively, decide not to drink alcohol at all and opt for mocktails.
10) Stop agreeing with everything to keep the vibe smooth
Harmony is beautiful. Hiding your true opinions is not. In fact, having a difference of opinion and respectfully debating it can bring you closer together.
Do instead: Offer your real perspective with confidence and without explanation.
Try: “That’s interesting. I see it a little differently.”
11) Stop making it your job to impress
You are not on the date to perform for him. A date is not an audition. It’s a mutual evaluation.
Do instead: Be curious. Be present. Be selective.
12) Stop future-tripping on the first date
Don’t go into the first date thinking of the second one already.
Do instead: Stay in the moment and enjoy it.
13) Stop doing emotional labor for him
If he’s venting heavily, processing his ex, or turning you into a therapist early, that’s information.
Do instead: Redirect to lighter topics of conversation.
Script: “That sounds like a lot. I’m glad you’re working through it. Now tell me, what’s something you’re excited about right now?”
14) Stop ignoring small disrespect because you “don’t want to be difficult”
Being gracious does not mean tolerating rudeness.
Do instead: Name it once, calmly. Then decide if you want to give him another chance or end the date early.
Try: “That didn’t land well with me.” Then pause and watch what he does next. If he doesn’t apologize, then leave.
15) Stop chasing clarity in the moment
Don’t leave a date thinking, “Should I ask him if I’ll see him again?”
Do instead: Thank him for a lovely evening and go home to relax.
If he’s a gentleman and wants to see you again, he will message you. If he doesn’t, that's ok. You move on.
Date Reset Checklist
Use this as your quick “elegant dating” reset before your next date:
I’m here to experience him, not win him.
I will speak simply and not over-explain.
I will let silence exist without panicking.
I will keep my phone away.
I will keep my stories warm and light.
I will hold my boundaries without apologizing.
I will watch for consistency, not chemistry alone.
I will leave the date with my dignity intact no matter what.
Real-world scripts
Script 1: When he suggests something you don’t want (bar, time, location)
“Let’s do something a little different. I’d love [coffee/wine bar near you/that quieter place] instead?”
Script 2: When you want to slow physical escalation
“I like taking things a little slower. I’m enjoying being here with you.”
Script 3: When you want to end the date gracefully
“This was really nice. I’m going to head out, but I enjoyed meeting you.”
If he wants to see you again, he’ll follow up. If he doesn’t, you still had an evening out and left with your self-respect.
FAQ
1) What is the biggest thing to avoid on a first date?
Over-performing. When you’re trying too hard to impress, you stop being magnetic.
2) Should I text after the date?
I’m old school and think that you should let the gentleman text you after the date. If he does, great. Respond with elegance. If he doesn’t, move on.
3) How do I stop overthinking what I said?
Talk to a friend. Write it out. Then let it go. I promise you, it’s all in your head. He’s not thinking about whatever it is you said.
4) What if I accidentally did one of these things?
One date doesn’t define you. Adjust next time and move forward without self-punishment.
5) How do I know if I’m being “too picky”?
Standards that protect your peace are not picky. As long as you’re making your decisions based on values alignment and character and not superficial things, then you’re fine.
The goal of dating is not to become the version of you that gets chosen.
The goal is to learn about the other person and be yourself, so the person who chooses you is choosing the real you.
When you stop over-explaining, stop performing, and stop managing outcomes, you create space for ease, clarity, and genuine attraction.
What is one thing you will do (or not do) on your next date? Let me know in the comments below.